. .being adult. .

8:11 AM

in the last few months i've realized i'm starting to be an adult- like for reals. i'm done with university (for the moment), i've got a "big girl" job, my own place (still with roommates but what the heck), and i'm virtually independent.
there's a lot of perks- being an adult. i can stay up as late as i want. and sleep in super late (not that i do that). i make my own schedule. and my own grocery list. if i want to eat a cupcake for dinner- i do. any decisions i make are purely my decisions.
i've been making lots of plans to have fun. because for the first time in my life, when i get home from work, i don't have studying to do. no tests to prepare for. so i want to work hard and play hard.
i want to take a day trip to Goblin Valley- leave before the crack of dawn and spend the day exploring the beauties of Utah. i want to hike to the top of mount timpanogas and stand victorious on its peak. i want to ride rollercoasters, screaming my lungs out. i want to ride with the windows rolled down and those summertime tunes blasting. i want to ride the zip line at sundance resort. and then, when leaves start to fall, i want to run through a haunted forest, not because i'm scared, but because the adrenaline is pumping. i want to take a drive up the canyon (preferably on a motorcycle)- just taking in the brilliant colors of autumn. i want to dress up and go party for halloween. i want to make tons of pies for thanksgiving dinner. i want to cheer on my favorite football team. and then when the winter chill sets in, i want to go ice skating and drink hot chocolate afterwards. i want to go sledding and have snowball fights. i want to sing christmas carols with my family. and walk through twinkling lights on the square of the temple.
yes, there are lots of fun things about being an adult. i save up my money. and i have plans to eventually buy my dream car. and get some nice things for my apartment. i plan to go back to school and get a real "big girl" job. i plan to go back to Africa. to learn how to long board. to visit my niece and nephew. to get my nursing degree. to become a yoga instructor.
yup, i've got big plans. happy plans.
but in the last week it's hit me that parting of growing up and being an adult is facing some unpretty truths. you have to close some doors and hope that new doors (or, heck, even windows) will open. you have to budget your money and pay for unpleasant things, like car insurance.  you have to take care of your body, because you won't be young forever- and you want to live to see you grandchildren get married. you realize that sometimes the plans which were made with so much anticipation, might not turn out how you planned. so then you have to make a back up plan- send out your second string players. and, the hardest for me right now, is that people you love, admire, and aspire to be like, you see them getting old. and i'm not talking about 40 or 50. i'm talking about bodies and minds failing. i'm talking about age, and with it, diagnoses, hospitals, sickness. i'm talking about pure mortality. i'm talking about realizing that life is precious and time is precious. and even though it's scary and hard to see those you love- your family- changing and forgetting, you need to spend time with them. because it might be gone before you know it.
growing up sometimes requires realizing that a kiss and a band aid won't fix everything. and sometimes even calling your mom won't help, because her battle is harder than yours. so you live your life. you wake up. you get in a good sweaty workout. you get ready. you go to work. you love your job, your coworkers, your patients. and then you go home. and it's late and you're tired. and reality reminds you that life is short. and so you cry a little bit. because you're a tiny bit scared and a tiny bit guilty. scared to say good bye. guilty because you are in denial. then you sleep, and wake, and start all over again.
this is not a post about complaining. life is good. the possibilities are quite endless. each day i can make of it what i want. each day i create my reality. there is so much ahead. i know that it will get even better.
no, this isn't a pity post.
it's a reality post.
because at some point or another reality hits you.

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  1. There's nothing like adult life. The realities of it are what make each moment precious and worth giving your best to, even if that best means giving up your dreams in order to help someone fulfill theirs or to help them leave this life peacefully. The joy comes in the responsibility--and the love. Keep calling. I can always listen even if I can't solve. Love you.