halfway there: 2015

reasons halloween is the bestest

9:58 AM

. . .the road that made all the difference. . .

8:35 PM

in the last month i've been thinking about endurance and giving up. i think that in each of our lives their comes a point when we have to decide what our commitment is to our Heavenly Father and his Gospel. we have to decide if we are really going to endure, no matter what comes our way, or if we will flake out at the first moment.
i attribute my "moment" of deciding to the eighteen months i spent as a full-time missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. i'm not saying that i wasn't a committed, devoted member of The Church before my mission, but i'm not sure if i could have endured as well the trials i've faced this year without the experiences that led me to realize that i was not giving up on the Gospel, or on God!

about a month ago i was having a particularly hard day. i sat on the phone at 11 pm, crying my heart out to my mom, with an almost empty box of tissues in front of me. "why," i sobbed, "when i have done everything God has asked of me, is this trial happening? this is so unfair! i just don't think i can keep going." i went to bed feeling pretty angry, because my life was not fair. but when i woke up the next morning i realized that giving up was not an option. in fact, i don't even really know what "giving up" would look like. it was that morning, through a mind groggy from a sleepless night, that i looked at the world through puffy eyes and realized that i was and always will be 100% committed to the Gospel. even if life seemed so unfair, hard and confusing, there was no going back.
when i was little my dad told me a story of a man who came to Joseph Smith and told him that he left the church, he would never persecute and speak out again the church, but he would go back to being neutral. Joseph told him, that once you have made a covenant with God, there can be no going back to neutral. because once you know- you know. once you have committed- you can't go back to being who you were before you were committed. either you keep going- you "press forward with a perfect brightness of hope"- or you turn against God and his Gospel.

on my mission i learned valuable lessons about endurance. i learned about working hard, all day, every day, no matter if it was blazing hot, pouring horizontal rain, or 30 degrees below zero (Celcius). it wasn't an option to stay in our apartment. i learned about exact obedient. before my mission i honestly questioned if exact obedience was even possible. but i quickly learned that it was. i learned about the Atonement and what it feels like to repent and be forgiven. i learned about the importance of following your priesthood leader. i learned about charity and helping those around you to change and endure. i read the stories of the Book of Mormon and the Bible that exhibit the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and it was like i was there. i could feel the joy of the Nephites when Christ appeared to them and blessed them. i felt the power and majesty of the restoration of the Priesthood. i learned about sacrificing for the Gospel. and i learned what it means to be fully consecrated to the Gospel. i saw examples of people who would leave their families to come teaching with us, or who would take in new investigators like they had always been best friends, or who would throw a birthday party for a girl in the branch because her mom was in rehab.

and i like to think that a little of what i learned, experienced, saw and felt became a part of who i am.
the moment that i decided to be a fully committed, 100% obedient missionary, i chose, also, to be that kind of disciple of Christ. not just to be outwardly committed for 18 months and then go back to my former life, but to change as much as God wanted me to. and then to continue to change each day and each week. because despite my mission being a pivotal time in which i chose to follow Christ forever, i know that if i do not do the small daily things [prayer, scripture study, service, fasting, church attendance, repentance, temple worship] i can quickly become lazy, apathetic and lax.
and i want to be committed. forever.

John 6:67-69

"Then said Jesus to the Twelve, Will ye also go away?

"Then Simon Peter answered him, Lord, to whom shall we go? Thou hast the words of eternal life.

"And we believe and are sure that thou art the Christ, the Son of the Living God."

i hope to always respond with the same conviction as Peter. and then show through my life, like he did, my commitment to Christ.

daring greatly

. . . mental health awareness. . .

9:22 AM

i've been wanting to write about this for a while now. but things like fear and not knowing what to say stopped me. but part of life is saying things, no matter how hard or uncomfortable it may be, that are important to you.

a few years ago i started to address my anxiety for the first time. it was scary and humbling, because i didn't want those around me to see me as "weak" or "sick." i didn't want my siblings to know that i needed help. i wanted to be strong. i went on my mission and was thankfully blessed to experience very little effects of my anxiety, but since being home (almost a year now!) i have struggled with anxiety. when it came to a point where i felt paralyzed- emotionally, mentally and physically- i got help. for a little while there i was relying so much on weekly meetings with my therapist. i took some brave steps and removed parts of my life that were causing me the most anxiety (and i know that were not right for my life) and struggled to get back to "normal." it's hard to come back from a mission, but it's even harder to come back and be stripped down figuratively "naked," and then try to figure out who you are after that. but i've been working at it, and i know for a fact that i'm doing so much better than i was seven and eight months ago.

there have been very few people in my life who understand what anxiety is. people tell me just not to worry so much. or people will say, "oh that's just your anxiety." i've had people tell me that if i just had more faith then i wouldn't struggle with anxiety. most people don't know how to help me when i am feeling very anxious- and they don't really want to be around me when i am anxious. on top of that some people don't really think you are struggling.

now i'm a big advocate of squaring your shoulders and doing what needs to be done. i also am living proof that the Atonement can heal you. but i also believe that God gives us certain trials that he might not take away for our whole lives. and he expects us to get the best help we can (see Like a Broken Vessel by Jeffrey R. Holland). so i've been seeing a therapist for the majority of this year. i'll admit, it's a bit shameful to admit to people, and it's not something that most people know about me.

because it makes me feel vulnerable.

and most people don't know how to react.

in this year i've learned that i am not my anxiety. it does not determine who i am, really. it doesn't define my character and my personality. my anxiety will never stop me from being the best i can be and from making my life a happy one.

staying close to God has helped me so much in this journey. in the moments that i wondered if there was anyone there, i felt his arms of love around me and i have felt angels surrounding me. this "trial" has blessed me with greater empathy for those who struggle with mental illness. it has allowed me to really relate to the girls i work with. it has kept me humble and on my knees. it has brought me closer to my mom and dad.

so yes, there is good that has come from my mental illness.

i just want anyone who is struggling with a diagnosed [or undiagnosed] mental illness to know that there is hope and help! there is hope through Jesus Christ who truly suffered for everything that we go through. He know how to succor you! and there is help- support groups, therapists, family and friends.

i am so thankful for the family and friends who have been there for me throughout my journey. i am thankful for a wonderful therapist who has helped me dig deep and really understand my anxiety and perfectionism. most of all, i am thankful for a loving Father in Heaven who is always there for me.

i want to help break the stigma of mental illness. having a mental illness does not make you "crazy" even though some times you feel like you are going crazy. mental illness is real, but it doesn't mean that you have to be paralyzed by it. you can live, hey, you can thrive, in spite of a mental illness.

so let's reach out. be a little more compassionate. a little less judgmental. and open our minds and our arms to those who are struggling with mental illness around us.

autumn

. . . fall soup. . .

9:59 AM

America

. . .the day i lost my childhood. . .

10:13 AM

a couple nights ago i was watching youtube videos of soldiers coming home (i don't know why because they always make me cry) and i realized that September 11 was just a few days away. it got me thinking a little bit. fourteen years ago was a long time ago. the girls i work with- most of them don't even remember it happening, and some of them weren't even alive!
but i remember.

our family at Yellowstone 2001- i'm the one on the far right

i was 11 years old. up until that day my life had been relatively unscarred. nothing horrible happens in small town America. i'd heard my parents talking about syria, but i didn't know anything about violence, death and war. i knew that war had happened, but in my young mind, it was a thing of the past. something for my parents and grandparents to remember. my mind was filled with the mystery books i was reading, aspirations to become a marine biologist, jumping on the trampoline with my brothers, thoughts of the fall holidays.
because i was homeschooled when the news came through, i was upstairs. i think i was reading a book. my brother came and told me that mom wanted us downstairs right now for something on TV. what?! in my family we only turned on the TV for General Conference or to watch movies together. the fact that we were watching something on TV was a little scary. because it was not something we did. i remember sitting there all morning as my childhood innocence slipped out the window.

i didn't understand the implications of everything that was happening- the politics of it all. but i understood that some one, somewhere, in a place far away, hated America, and so they had decided to hurt thousands of innocent people. i understood that people were dying. and for the first time in my life i felt fear- real fear. fear that there might be a huge war. fear that my five brothers might be sent off to war. a realization that the world wasn't as safe as i had always thought it was.
it seemed like time stood still as we watched. and it stretched out in front as images kept spilling in. mom was crying. we were silent. looking back, i wonder how much my younger brothers grasped of what was going on. at the time, they were 2, 5, 7 and 10.
but something else i saw that day were heroes. firefighters, first responders, policemen, and bystanders, who i saw covered in ash, doing all they could to save people's lives.

fourteen years later, there are still heroes. servicemen and women who are protecting us daily from the further threat of terrorism. men and women who expend their efforts through diplomacy, humanitarian work, or spiritual leadership to bring freedom to all people. to allow all men and women to have their right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

i will never forget 9/11 because it changed who i am. in remembering, i want to tell those i love how much they mean to me. i want defend my liberties from all who would destroy them. i remember the heroes and i want to be a "helper"- someone who can be there for people in distress. i remember men and women overseas who are fighting to keep us safe. and i remember their sacrifices. i remember my hometown, my upbringing. and i am thankful for the good that has come from all this.

that we can stand united. that we can and should turn to God, not just in time of trouble but always. that loving your neighbor is so important. to appreciate every day we are given. because it is a gift. and i remember that there are so many good people out there. more than the bad.

and that is what makes us great.

"America is great because she is good. if America ever ceases to be good, she will cease to be great." {Alexis de Tocqueville}

beUtahful

. . .trial lake. . .

2:27 PM

daring greatly

. . .daring greatly 1. . .

11:43 AM

ever since reading Daring Greatly (see this post) i've just been thinking about how i can dare greatly in my life. lesbehonest, my life is pretty boring. i work, sleep and eat. oh, and netflix. haha ok it's not that boring- i've been doing lots of fun things. but i don't get out there a lot. there isn't a lot to push me outside my comfort zone- except when things go a little cray at work. let's not talk about that. . .

so a couple weeks ago when i was driving back from canada my friend taylor texted me and told me i should audition for the orem institute choir. my first response was, "uhhhhh no." i love singing and i like choir but i had a shame-filled experience with singing when i was in high school. my junior year i auditioned for the chamber choir at high school. i'd been in voice lessons and i really wanted to get into chamber choir. i knew all my friends would be in chamber choir and both my siblings before me had been in it. i kind of felt like it was the only thing to do. and if i didn't get in, it meant i wasn't a good singer, i wasn't as good as any of my siblings (all of them who have finished high school so far have been in chamber choir), and that i was a failure. i remember walking into school the day that the chamber choir kids had got kidnapped. when i saw all my friends in their pj's milling around the choir room i almost did an about-face and walked out the door to leave school. i didn't want to come back. i spent my senior year watching my friends perform in the chamber choir- and to be honest i cried at almost every performance. for years i wouldn't sing in front of people who i perceived to be better singers than i was- even if we were just singing along to songs in the car. i was too self conscious. i never auditioned for a choir at byu because i didn't want to not make it in (especially when my brothers who attended byu with me were in Men's Chorus). my final semester i took voice lessons at byu and started to feel confident about my voice again. i had a great teacher who really helped me feel like i had something unique in my voice.

but i still compared my voice. i know. it's a weird thing to compare to others. but i did. i compared to my siblings, companions, friends. but i started to feel pretty comfortable with my voice- feeling like i could actually sing as well as i wanted to.

after giving it some thought, i decided to audition for institute choir. not only would it be a good way to get new friends (which i really need) but it would help me sing on a consistent basis while feeling the spirit and sharing the gospel. i was pretty excited. and nervous. seriously i almost lost it while trying to find parking at UVU because i was so stressed about auditioning! then i had to wait, sitting listening to everyone else audition, for more than an hour. my mind started going through all the BAD outcomes. and i almost just ditched out. was it worth it? i kept reminding myself that i was "daring greatly." i needed to do this. so i did.

i felt pretty good about my audition. and excited. looking forward to a good experience this year in choir. i was glad that i had auditioned.

yesterday when i got the text that told me i didn't get into choir, i was at work. i didn't let myself think about it too much. because honestly, i needed to focus on work, or i'd realize how crushed i was.

guys, i'm still human.

i wanted to get into choir. i know my audition was good, but the thought that ran through my head was that it (the audition, my voice, who i am) wasn't good enough. i was in a total shame melt down. "why had i even auditioned? this was just another confirmation from the rejection i experienced in high school. this wasn't worth it. why did i even care so much? i wish i was as good at music as my extremely talented siblings." but thank goodness for a great mom and my brother. but most of all, i am thankful for a Heavenly Father who sent his comforting Spirit to me last night.

so am i glad that i dared greatly? yes. because despite the rejection, and the "failure"- i showed up. i was engaged. i put myself out there, in a way that for me is extremely vulnerable. i stepped into the arena. and i fought for a bit. and that gives me courage to dare greatly today and tomorrow. {and i'm going to keep on singing, even if my steering wheel is the only one who hears me.}

"Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage."

books

. . . book reviews. . .

9:42 PM

CANADA

. . . tea and pretzels. . .

12:31 PM

i've been away on holiday. but now i'm back and with everyone getting back into school and making plans for the school year, i'm vowing to be a better blogger. that means more blog posts and goodness for you!

you might be wondering what this picture of obviously cheap airplane pretzels and tea has to do with anything. let me tell you.
i planned my trip to canada. and because i'm a perfectionist and a bit ocd i wanted everything to work out perfectly. we [the parents and i] drove up to vancouver, and then flew from there to prince george, british columbia (in the central part of the province) where i would visit two of my areas. we had plenty of time to get to the airport on the day we were flying out. i felt pretty confident of my ability to navigate the vancouver airport. but getting there? that's another story. i'd never actually driven there... and turns out, it takes longer than i thought. suddenly it was 3:30 and we were running from the parking lot trying to get checked in. i was so upset! i don't know why but i was about to give up and say, "just send me back to utah. i'm not dealing with this!" i was a brat at the ticket counter [where a terribly nice Air Canada agent got us on the next flight to Prince George without charging us anything] and was ticked that i had to get an extra check at security. then they took away my lotion that i'd accidentally left in my carry-on bag. it was like the end of the world.

but not really.

when we finally got through security and to our very empty terminal, we settled in for the loooooong 7 hour wait for our flight. i walked around with mom for a bit and simmered down [why does window shopping have that effect?] but inside i still had that feeling in my stomach. like there was a little monster in there just waiting to explode out again.

i read a bit of my airport/roadtrip book "The Happiness Project" [ironic, i know]. i watched a movie. i listened to some tunes and took advantage of free airport wifi. but i was still angry.

when we (finally) boarded our plane i was so fidgety from all the pent up unhappiness that i couldn't concentrate. i was ticked. i really wanted for my trip back to British Columbia to be perfect. i prayed about it and, guys, i even fasted that my trip would be positive. and then i was like, "ok God, make this the happiest, funnest trip EVER."

but i'd forgotten something. i'd forgotten that God can't make me happy. he can't make me enjoy a holiday or a special event.

i have to choose to be happy. no matter what the circumstance might be.
it's up to me to choose.
and so on that small plane, flying through the dead of night, i got some chamomile tea and thought about happiness. and i made a goal that no matter what else happened on my trip i was going to be happy- on purpose.

intentionally happy.
i think i'll try that for the rest of my life.

about me

. . a few things you probably should know about me. .

11:50 AM

family

. . reasons my dad is rad. .

7:56 PM

he wakes up every morning [and has for the last 10 years] to make breakfast so my mom can exercise
he massages my mom's feet every night [i don't even like feet but think this is cute of him]
he was in scouts for years and years and even hiked Timp just a few years ago [he isn't a young creature either]
when i was a baby my dad was getting his PhD at BYU and he had like no time with the family. but every night when he got he would give me a bath just so he could spend time with me.
when we were little we'd get "late nights" with mom and dad. most often dad and i would end up in the Barbie aisle at Toys R Us.
my dad used to fence on the roof with his friend John [this was when he was a teenager, not when he was my dad haha]
once when my dad was a YSA like me, he went to a church dance dressed as a gorilla- his date dressed as a banana. can anyone say hysterical?
my dad loves Joseph Smith- and so all of us kids love him too.
he used to rock a really awesome beard- he really looked like an 80's psychologist. too bad mom made him shave it before they got married
when we were little he'd call us on "mini missions." we'd go take our picture in front of the old MTC sign, get little name tags and eat a meal from the country we'd been called to. this might be one of the reasons 6 out of the 7 of us kids have served missions!
dad is easy to convince that we need something; "dad, we should stop and get frosty's at Wendy's. we need them!"
dad will join in the crazy games we play- even if they make him look foolish
even though i know his work can be very depressing and sad, he never brings that home with him. i never really understood how hard his work was until i started working in mental health as well. respect.
once my mom told me how mad my dad got when a guy broke up with me- thanks dad for being protective and for wanting me to be happy.
when i would fall asleep in the car on the way home he would carry me inside. i even would purposefully "fall" out of bed when i was "sleeping" so he'd have to come put me back in bed.

dad, you're pretty rad.

last night my friend at work told me that my dad is amazing and that he is the reason i've got such high expectations for finding a husband. you know what? i think she's right.

books

. . summer reading. .

12:08 PM

i know. it's been forevs since i wrote a post. sorry 'bout that. sometimes you just need a break from blogging. (haha i know i've been taking lots of breaks. that 18 month break just got me out of the habit.)
buuuuut i've been reading a lot! i love that i can read books- perks of not being in school. so here's a little about the books i've been reading.

Believing Christ by Stephen E. Robinson

My second mission president talked about this book all the time and told us we needed to read it when we got home. well, i finally got around to it. so when i found this book in my aunt's house i instantly claimed it as mine. i love this book and will definitely have to read it again because i know it will apply to like every moment of my life. i feel like i began to understand a little bit better what grace is and what it means to truly believe Christ, not just believe in Him.

"By his grace, we live and breathe. By grace, we are spiritually begotten children of heavenly parents and enjoy divine prospects. By grace, a plan was prepared and a savior designated for humanity when Adam and Eve fell. By grace, the good news of this gospel comes to us and informs us of our eternal options. By grace, we have the agency to accept the gospel when we hear it. By the grace that comes through faith in Christ, we start the repentance process; and by grace, we are justified and made part of God's kingdom even while that process is still incomplete. The grace of God has been involved in our spiritual progress from the beginning and will be involved in our progress until the end."

I think I understand a little better the doctrine of grace and my part in keeping the covenants I have made.

Daring Greatly by Brene Brown

Have you ever heard of or seen this TED talk? Brene Brown is a vulnerability and courage researcher. her book really hit me at the perfect time. the title of the book is based of this quote by Theodore Roosevelt.

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

How amazing is that? Brene talks about how when we lose our ability to be vulnerable, we lose so many vital things- creativity, courage, and compassion. she tells her own stories about become vulnerable and living Wholeheartedly. this is not a one time read for me. in fact i loved this book so much that i ordered my own off Amazon so that i can mark it up! i have a hard time being vulnerable- i tend to put up a wall and make it come off like my life is good or that all my emotions are good. but i learned from Brene that in order to live fully i also have to make myself vulnerable, as scary as that may seem. it's causing me to ponder my life and wonder: am I daring greatly?

BONUS: All My Friends Are Dead by Avery Monsen and Jory Johna couple years ago when i was going through a rough time, my two good friends, Jenny and Andrew, came over and visit, and they brought this book with them. to be honest, i didn't want visitors. i wanted to be alone. but they pulled out this book and read it to me. and it helped. i smiled! because this book is so ridiculously ridiculous! if i'm ever feeling a little blue or if i need a pick me up, i'll just pull this book out. you can read it in less than ten minutes. and when you close it, you will be just a bit happier.

"Sometimes I feel alone. Some days are long and hard. But when I look out into the world, I am struck by the impossible beauty of it all. Those billions of magnificent accidents that led us to where we are today, that led us to paper places and nautilus shells and the tiny, crooked smiles of children."

What should I read next???