halfway there

daring greatly

... what i learned in 2015 ...

11:53 AM

holidays

reasons halloween is the bestest

9:58 AM

atonement

. . .the road that made all the difference. . .

8:35 PM

in the last month i've been thinking about endurance and giving up. i think that in each of our lives their comes a point when we have to decide what our commitment is to our Heavenly Father and his Gospel. we have to decide if we are really going to endure, no matter what comes our way, or if we will flake out at the first moment.
i attribute my "moment" of deciding to the eighteen months i spent as a full-time missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. i'm not saying that i wasn't a committed, devoted member of The Church before my mission, but i'm not sure if i could have endured as well the trials i've faced this year without the experiences that led me to realize that i was not giving up on the Gospel, or on God!

about a month ago i was having a particularly hard day. i sat on the phone at 11 pm, crying my heart out to my mom, with an almost empty box of tissues in front of me. "why," i sobbed, "when i have done everything God has asked of me, is this trial happening? this is so unfair! i just don't think i can keep going." i went to bed feeling pretty angry, because my life was not fair. but when i woke up the next morning i realized that giving up was not an option. in fact, i don't even really know what "giving up" would look like. it was that morning, through a mind groggy from a sleepless night, that i looked at the world through puffy eyes and realized that i was and always will be 100% committed to the Gospel. even if life seemed so unfair, hard and confusing, there was no going back.
when i was little my dad told me a story of a man who came to Joseph Smith and told him that he left the church, he would never persecute and speak out again the church, but he would go back to being neutral. Joseph told him, that once you have made a covenant with God, there can be no going back to neutral. because once you know- you know. once you have committed- you can't go back to being who you were before you were committed. either you keep going- you "press forward with a perfect brightness of hope"- or you turn against God and his Gospel.

on my mission i learned valuable lessons about endurance. i learned about working hard, all day, every day, no matter if it was blazing hot, pouring horizontal rain, or 30 degrees below zero (Celcius). it wasn't an option to stay in our apartment. i learned about exact obedient. before my mission i honestly questioned if exact obedience was even possible. but i quickly learned that it was. i learned about the Atonement and what it feels like to repent and be forgiven. i learned about the importance of following your priesthood leader. i learned about charity and helping those around you to change and endure. i read the stories of the Book of Mormon and the Bible that exhibit the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and it was like i was there. i could feel the joy of the Nephites when Christ appeared to them and blessed them. i felt the power and majesty of the restoration of the Priesthood. i learned about sacrificing for the Gospel. and i learned what it means to be fully consecrated to the Gospel. i saw examples of people who would leave their families to come teaching with us, or who would take in new investigators like they had always been best friends, or who would throw a birthday party for a girl in the branch because her mom was in rehab.

and i like to think that a little of what i learned, experienced, saw and felt became a part of who i am.
the moment that i decided to be a fully committed, 100% obedient missionary, i chose, also, to be that kind of disciple of Christ. not just to be outwardly committed for 18 months and then go back to my former life, but to change as much as God wanted me to. and then to continue to change each day and each week. because despite my mission being a pivotal time in which i chose to follow Christ forever, i know that if i do not do the small daily things [prayer, scripture study, service, fasting, church attendance, repentance, temple worship] i can quickly become lazy, apathetic and lax.
and i want to be committed. forever.

John 6:67-69

"Then said Jesus to the Twelve, Will ye also go away?

"Then Simon Peter answered him, Lord, to whom shall we go? Thou hast the words of eternal life.

"And we believe and are sure that thou art the Christ, the Son of the Living God."

i hope to always respond with the same conviction as Peter. and then show through my life, like he did, my commitment to Christ.

daring greatly

. . . mental health awareness. . .

9:22 AM

i've been wanting to write about this for a while now. but things like fear and not knowing what to say stopped me. but part of life is saying things, no matter how hard or uncomfortable it may be, that are important to you.

a few years ago i started to address my anxiety for the first time. it was scary and humbling, because i didn't want those around me to see me as "weak" or "sick." i didn't want my siblings to know that i needed help. i wanted to be strong. i went on my mission and was thankfully blessed to experience very little effects of my anxiety, but since being home (almost a year now!) i have struggled with anxiety. when it came to a point where i felt paralyzed- emotionally, mentally and physically- i got help. for a little while there i was relying so much on weekly meetings with my therapist. i took some brave steps and removed parts of my life that were causing me the most anxiety (and i know that were not right for my life) and struggled to get back to "normal." it's hard to come back from a mission, but it's even harder to come back and be stripped down figuratively "naked," and then try to figure out who you are after that. but i've been working at it, and i know for a fact that i'm doing so much better than i was seven and eight months ago.

there have been very few people in my life who understand what anxiety is. people tell me just not to worry so much. or people will say, "oh that's just your anxiety." i've had people tell me that if i just had more faith then i wouldn't struggle with anxiety. most people don't know how to help me when i am feeling very anxious- and they don't really want to be around me when i am anxious. on top of that some people don't really think you are struggling.

now i'm a big advocate of squaring your shoulders and doing what needs to be done. i also am living proof that the Atonement can heal you. but i also believe that God gives us certain trials that he might not take away for our whole lives. and he expects us to get the best help we can (see Like a Broken Vessel by Jeffrey R. Holland). so i've been seeing a therapist for the majority of this year. i'll admit, it's a bit shameful to admit to people, and it's not something that most people know about me.

because it makes me feel vulnerable.

and most people don't know how to react.

in this year i've learned that i am not my anxiety. it does not determine who i am, really. it doesn't define my character and my personality. my anxiety will never stop me from being the best i can be and from making my life a happy one.

staying close to God has helped me so much in this journey. in the moments that i wondered if there was anyone there, i felt his arms of love around me and i have felt angels surrounding me. this "trial" has blessed me with greater empathy for those who struggle with mental illness. it has allowed me to really relate to the girls i work with. it has kept me humble and on my knees. it has brought me closer to my mom and dad.

so yes, there is good that has come from my mental illness.

i just want anyone who is struggling with a diagnosed [or undiagnosed] mental illness to know that there is hope and help! there is hope through Jesus Christ who truly suffered for everything that we go through. He know how to succor you! and there is help- support groups, therapists, family and friends.

i am so thankful for the family and friends who have been there for me throughout my journey. i am thankful for a wonderful therapist who has helped me dig deep and really understand my anxiety and perfectionism. most of all, i am thankful for a loving Father in Heaven who is always there for me.

i want to help break the stigma of mental illness. having a mental illness does not make you "crazy" even though some times you feel like you are going crazy. mental illness is real, but it doesn't mean that you have to be paralyzed by it. you can live, hey, you can thrive, in spite of a mental illness.

so let's reach out. be a little more compassionate. a little less judgmental. and open our minds and our arms to those who are struggling with mental illness around us.

autumn

. . . fall soup. . .

9:59 AM

America

. . .the day i lost my childhood. . .

10:13 AM

a couple nights ago i was watching youtube videos of soldiers coming home (i don't know why because they always make me cry) and i realized that September 11 was just a few days away. it got me thinking a little bit. fourteen years ago was a long time ago. the girls i work with- most of them don't even remember it happening, and some of them weren't even alive!
but i remember.

our family at Yellowstone 2001- i'm the one on the far right

i was 11 years old. up until that day my life had been relatively unscarred. nothing horrible happens in small town America. i'd heard my parents talking about syria, but i didn't know anything about violence, death and war. i knew that war had happened, but in my young mind, it was a thing of the past. something for my parents and grandparents to remember. my mind was filled with the mystery books i was reading, aspirations to become a marine biologist, jumping on the trampoline with my brothers, thoughts of the fall holidays.
because i was homeschooled when the news came through, i was upstairs. i think i was reading a book. my brother came and told me that mom wanted us downstairs right now for something on TV. what?! in my family we only turned on the TV for General Conference or to watch movies together. the fact that we were watching something on TV was a little scary. because it was not something we did. i remember sitting there all morning as my childhood innocence slipped out the window.

i didn't understand the implications of everything that was happening- the politics of it all. but i understood that some one, somewhere, in a place far away, hated America, and so they had decided to hurt thousands of innocent people. i understood that people were dying. and for the first time in my life i felt fear- real fear. fear that there might be a huge war. fear that my five brothers might be sent off to war. a realization that the world wasn't as safe as i had always thought it was.
it seemed like time stood still as we watched. and it stretched out in front as images kept spilling in. mom was crying. we were silent. looking back, i wonder how much my younger brothers grasped of what was going on. at the time, they were 2, 5, 7 and 10.
but something else i saw that day were heroes. firefighters, first responders, policemen, and bystanders, who i saw covered in ash, doing all they could to save people's lives.

fourteen years later, there are still heroes. servicemen and women who are protecting us daily from the further threat of terrorism. men and women who expend their efforts through diplomacy, humanitarian work, or spiritual leadership to bring freedom to all people. to allow all men and women to have their right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

i will never forget 9/11 because it changed who i am. in remembering, i want to tell those i love how much they mean to me. i want defend my liberties from all who would destroy them. i remember the heroes and i want to be a "helper"- someone who can be there for people in distress. i remember men and women overseas who are fighting to keep us safe. and i remember their sacrifices. i remember my hometown, my upbringing. and i am thankful for the good that has come from all this.

that we can stand united. that we can and should turn to God, not just in time of trouble but always. that loving your neighbor is so important. to appreciate every day we are given. because it is a gift. and i remember that there are so many good people out there. more than the bad.

and that is what makes us great.

"America is great because she is good. if America ever ceases to be good, she will cease to be great." {Alexis de Tocqueville}