not many of you know, but i've got this terrific big brother. like i'm talking about, smart, funny, kind, spiritual. (sorry, ladies, he is married.) but here are some reasons i love him.
- he is the first one to get me interested in science. when he was insane about space travel and astronauts i would sneak his books and read about the first Russian woman in space. i knew then that women could be scientists and it was ok.
- adam was also the one to get me interested in playing the violin. i wanted to play the violin because he played the violin. and i wanted to take from the same piano teach he did, because maybe that meant i would be as cool as he was.
- this kid is super smart. like i'm talkin about getting 5's on AP tests, acing college and getting a master's degree in chemical and electrical engineering. i'm pretty sure he's a genius.
- he's the funnest to watch football or basketball with him. let's just say that i spent the "Jimmer Era" cheering on BYU with adam- and it was a blast.
- he's always been there for me. one time when i was little and my sister and younger brother were being mean, adam let me come in his room and "hide" from them. another time when i had a crappy day my sophomore year of college, he brought me ice cream. after my first bad break up, he (and his wife) let me come to their house multiple times a week, just to eat dinner, have FHE, watch psych, or do homework.
- adam has been super good at staying in touch with me personally. he's always willing to Facetime (mostly so i can see his cute kids) or talk. he sends me the best birthday gifts (i'm thinking maybe his wife is also part of this haha). i just know that he is there for me
- he is always trying to make our family a fun and happy place. he's the first to make a joke and to try to relieve the tension (because we never ever fight haha).
- probably one of the greatest ways he is an example to me though is that he is an amazing father. even though we live thousands of miles away from him and his family, i know that he loves his wife and children. he puts them first and teaches his kids the Gospel.
- he is the first one to get me interested in science. when he was insane about space travel and astronauts i would sneak his books and read about the first Russian woman in space. i knew then that women could be scientists and it was ok.
- adam was also the one to get me interested in playing the violin. i wanted to play the violin because he played the violin. and i wanted to take from the same piano teach he did, because maybe that meant i would be as cool as he was.
- this kid is super smart. like i'm talkin about getting 5's on AP tests, acing college and getting a master's degree in chemical and electrical engineering. i'm pretty sure he's a genius.
- he's the funnest to watch football or basketball with him. let's just say that i spent the "Jimmer Era" cheering on BYU with adam- and it was a blast.
- he's always been there for me. one time when i was little and my sister and younger brother were being mean, adam let me come in his room and "hide" from them. another time when i had a crappy day my sophomore year of college, he brought me ice cream. after my first bad break up, he (and his wife) let me come to their house multiple times a week, just to eat dinner, have FHE, watch psych, or do homework.
- adam has been super good at staying in touch with me personally. he's always willing to Facetime (mostly so i can see his cute kids) or talk. he sends me the best birthday gifts (i'm thinking maybe his wife is also part of this haha). i just know that he is there for me
- he is always trying to make our family a fun and happy place. he's the first to make a joke and to try to relieve the tension (because we never ever fight haha).
- probably one of the greatest ways he is an example to me though is that he is an amazing father. even though we live thousands of miles away from him and his family, i know that he loves his wife and children. he puts them first and teaches his kids the Gospel.
thanks Adam for being the best big brother i could ask for you! love you!
on a weeknight i get home from work around 10:30 pm, if it's a good night. and by "good" i mean that all the patients got to bed on time, the swing shift was relatively calm, and there wasn't much to write in shift report. all good things. i generally come home tired. my job requires you to be on your feet for the most part of 8 hours. it's a fun job and i love it. but it can be stressful. i love my life, but life is busy, and busy means tired.
i change into pj's and turn on my Mormon Tabernacle Choir Pandora station, before starting my evening routine of teeth brushing, face washing and room organizing. after lotioning my hands with my favorite "no-stress" lotion, i take a look at my planner, add to the next day's to-do list (because i love lists), and say my prayers.
by all normal measures, i should be calmed down, relaxed and ready to sleep by then.
sometimes i'll stay up a little bit to just lie in bed and watch Netflix, read, or scroll through Pinterest. i figure some "vegging" helps calm the mind and is relatively stress free.
but it seems that no matter how relaxed i am, how much my eye lids are drooping, and how much my body begs for sleep, when i turn off my lamp, pull my comforter up and get into a comfortable fetal position in my bed, my mind goes. and goes and goes and goes.
and if you give the unquiet mind a cookie. . .
it doesn't matter if i have nothing to worry about, my mind will come up with something. i'll think about all the things i have on my list for the next day. this naturally leads to thinking about nursing school. and how i need to perfect my resume, write a master's degree level essay, and get in volunteer hours, so i can beat out the 300 other applicants come June. and speaking of volunteering.... how about that Alzheimer's Association you're supposedly volunteering for? you've got to call all those physicians. who know what i'm supposed to say to them, but i need to get info. what if i sound stupid? what if i botch the conversation? what if, what if, what if?
sometimes i'll almost be asleep and then my roommate will come home. for most people, this isn't a problem. but the unquiet mind hears every sound. even the quiet noises. so the movie version of what my roommate is up to, in the kitchen or hallway or bathroom, plays in my mind. i want it to shut off, i even pray that i can just sleep through the noise. i joke that i'm like Jason Bourne, because i'm such a light sleeper, but it's really not such a great thing.
or, if it's been a busy or stressful night at work, my brain will replay over and over everything that happened. did i say the right thing to that patient who was struggling? was i being too rigid with the rules when i enforced that rule? was a being too loose with rules when i just joked around with the girls? did i write everything in shift report? did i email everyone i needed to email? and on and on.
any tangent of thought that my brain can catch on to, it grabs and clutches in an iron fist. and the rambling begins.
the worst is when i have to get up early the next morning. i plan ahead of time so that i get to bed early and can get the maximum amount of sleep. but once my mind starts, it's hard to stop. and once i realize what's happening, i get anxious about losing sleep!!! basically my anxiety causes anxiety. "now i'll be so tired tomorrow." *glances at phone.* "crap, i have to get up in four hours.... i NEED to fall asleep now."
but i don't. and for what seems like hours, i toss and turn, waiting for my brain to become silent, empty. sometimes i fall into a restless sleep, but the mind keeps running at 100 miles per hour. and sometimes, blessedly, true sleep comes.
exhausting doesn't even begin to cover it. but that is just it.
i change into pj's and turn on my Mormon Tabernacle Choir Pandora station, before starting my evening routine of teeth brushing, face washing and room organizing. after lotioning my hands with my favorite "no-stress" lotion, i take a look at my planner, add to the next day's to-do list (because i love lists), and say my prayers.
by all normal measures, i should be calmed down, relaxed and ready to sleep by then.
sometimes i'll stay up a little bit to just lie in bed and watch Netflix, read, or scroll through Pinterest. i figure some "vegging" helps calm the mind and is relatively stress free.
but it seems that no matter how relaxed i am, how much my eye lids are drooping, and how much my body begs for sleep, when i turn off my lamp, pull my comforter up and get into a comfortable fetal position in my bed, my mind goes. and goes and goes and goes.
this is the unquiet mind.
and if you give the unquiet mind a cookie. . .
it doesn't matter if i have nothing to worry about, my mind will come up with something. i'll think about all the things i have on my list for the next day. this naturally leads to thinking about nursing school. and how i need to perfect my resume, write a master's degree level essay, and get in volunteer hours, so i can beat out the 300 other applicants come June. and speaking of volunteering.... how about that Alzheimer's Association you're supposedly volunteering for? you've got to call all those physicians. who know what i'm supposed to say to them, but i need to get info. what if i sound stupid? what if i botch the conversation? what if, what if, what if?
sometimes i'll almost be asleep and then my roommate will come home. for most people, this isn't a problem. but the unquiet mind hears every sound. even the quiet noises. so the movie version of what my roommate is up to, in the kitchen or hallway or bathroom, plays in my mind. i want it to shut off, i even pray that i can just sleep through the noise. i joke that i'm like Jason Bourne, because i'm such a light sleeper, but it's really not such a great thing.
or, if it's been a busy or stressful night at work, my brain will replay over and over everything that happened. did i say the right thing to that patient who was struggling? was i being too rigid with the rules when i enforced that rule? was a being too loose with rules when i just joked around with the girls? did i write everything in shift report? did i email everyone i needed to email? and on and on.
any tangent of thought that my brain can catch on to, it grabs and clutches in an iron fist. and the rambling begins.
the worst is when i have to get up early the next morning. i plan ahead of time so that i get to bed early and can get the maximum amount of sleep. but once my mind starts, it's hard to stop. and once i realize what's happening, i get anxious about losing sleep!!! basically my anxiety causes anxiety. "now i'll be so tired tomorrow." *glances at phone.* "crap, i have to get up in four hours.... i NEED to fall asleep now."
but i don't. and for what seems like hours, i toss and turn, waiting for my brain to become silent, empty. sometimes i fall into a restless sleep, but the mind keeps running at 100 miles per hour. and sometimes, blessedly, true sleep comes.
exhausting doesn't even begin to cover it. but that is just it.
this is the unquiet mind.
. . . she knows how to give you the best personal gifts. on my mission she sent me Harry Potter stamps because she knows i love Harry Potter. . .
. . . she taught me how to love reading. we have a literal library in our basement. growing up with didn't have enough bookshelves so we used wooden boxes stacked on top of each other as bookshelves. i continue to have an addiction to books. don't let me in a bookstore because i end up buying too many books. . .
. . . she's always up for an adventure. she let me plan our entire trip to British Columbia last summer and was totally chill with eating authentic Chinese food, going to the most hippie farmer's market in the PNW, getting bubble tea in downtown Vancouver, going whale watching, and chasing cattle in Vanderhoof. . .
. . .she knows what's up when it comes to oils. one night when i was so anxious and upset that i couldn't sleep, she came and brought me her diffuser, a melatonin and some miracle oil that helped me sleep through that hellish night. . .
. . . every year my mum cooks us whatever we want for our birthday dinner. she's even made me chicken tikka masala and let us eat in the living room, sitting on the floor, whilst listening to Indian music. . .
. . . she puts up with having (almost) ALL adult children! and only one of us is married so basically that means she gets to hear the rest of us complain about dating and every other part of hashtag adult life. she's pretty much a therapist who doesn't get paid anything. we're pretty much goobers as you can see below. . .
. . . she is so selfless! she took care of my aunt who had cancer and liver failure during the last months of my aunt's life. she did all this while doing her calling, working from home, preparing to teach her home school english literature class, and keeping up with us kids. . .
. . . she's helped all five sons get their Eagle Scout Award (and let's face it people she probably did most of the work). and helped me and my sister get our Young Womanhood Recognition Award. now she's Young Women's president and is helping all the YW in our ward! what a rockstar. . .
. . . mum taught me how to be grammatically correct. and yes, even though i'm a scientist at heart, i am still bugged by bad grammar and bad spelling. . .
. . . she taught me the importance of getting an education and more importantly, of following my dreams. she supported me 100% in going to Africa, even helped me fund raise money to go. she supports me in my current job. she helped me survive BYU by reminding me I didn't want to flip burgers for a living. she's continually supporting me as a apply to nursing schools. and she is supporting me as I run for the Huntsman Cancer Institute in June. . .
. . . probably the most impactful thing my mum has taught me is to have faith, to follow the promptings I receive, and to keep going even when things get hard. my mom has had many trials, but she has always stayed faithful and true to her covenants. she reads her scriptures and prays fervently. she attends the temple. she loves her church calling. she tries to be a better person all the time. she's not perfect, but she is perfect at trying. . .
. . . she taught me how to love reading. we have a literal library in our basement. growing up with didn't have enough bookshelves so we used wooden boxes stacked on top of each other as bookshelves. i continue to have an addiction to books. don't let me in a bookstore because i end up buying too many books. . .
. . . she's always up for an adventure. she let me plan our entire trip to British Columbia last summer and was totally chill with eating authentic Chinese food, going to the most hippie farmer's market in the PNW, getting bubble tea in downtown Vancouver, going whale watching, and chasing cattle in Vanderhoof. . .
. . . every year my mum cooks us whatever we want for our birthday dinner. she's even made me chicken tikka masala and let us eat in the living room, sitting on the floor, whilst listening to Indian music. . .
. . . she puts up with having (almost) ALL adult children! and only one of us is married so basically that means she gets to hear the rest of us complain about dating and every other part of hashtag adult life. she's pretty much a therapist who doesn't get paid anything. we're pretty much goobers as you can see below. . .
. . . she is so selfless! she took care of my aunt who had cancer and liver failure during the last months of my aunt's life. she did all this while doing her calling, working from home, preparing to teach her home school english literature class, and keeping up with us kids. . .
. . . she's helped all five sons get their Eagle Scout Award (and let's face it people she probably did most of the work). and helped me and my sister get our Young Womanhood Recognition Award. now she's Young Women's president and is helping all the YW in our ward! what a rockstar. . .
. . . mum taught me how to be grammatically correct. and yes, even though i'm a scientist at heart, i am still bugged by bad grammar and bad spelling. . .
. . . she taught me the importance of getting an education and more importantly, of following my dreams. she supported me 100% in going to Africa, even helped me fund raise money to go. she supports me in my current job. she helped me survive BYU by reminding me I didn't want to flip burgers for a living. she's continually supporting me as a apply to nursing schools. and she is supporting me as I run for the Huntsman Cancer Institute in June. . .
. . . probably the most impactful thing my mum has taught me is to have faith, to follow the promptings I receive, and to keep going even when things get hard. my mom has had many trials, but she has always stayed faithful and true to her covenants. she reads her scriptures and prays fervently. she attends the temple. she loves her church calling. she tries to be a better person all the time. she's not perfect, but she is perfect at trying. . .
love you mum!!!!
**disclaimer: i use "mum" because i wish i was british. obvi.
1. your own happiness is so important!
sometimes we think that if we are making others happy, by sacrificing who we really are, then we will be happy. this is a lie. i remember one late night in february, talking to my mission president on the phone, and he told me, "sister arnesen, your happiness is so important!" i was shocked. it's like i hadn't thought of that. or maybe i'd been so busy convincing myself that i was happy, that i forgot was real happiness was. and i wasn't happy. if you find that you are changing yourself, or trying to chase dreams that actually aren't making you happy, then change it! choose what will make you happy. even if it's the hardest thing you've ever done. even if it means hurting people you care about. be honest. live true to who you are. this might not seem like the road to happiness. and maybe for a while you'll stumble around wondering what really makes you happy. but you'll explore and you'll find it again. i promise.
2. if you don't create your life, then someone will create it for you.
i've learned over and over again that you have to be proactively involved in the creation of your own life. now that i'm not in school it was so easy to let my life to be consumed by things that are basically time wasters. i learned this year that part of creating a life that you love and want to live is daring greatly. it's facing some dark times, asking for help, and then coming out stronger on the other side. it's looking at who you really want to be and then creating goals to help you get there. it's choosing the most important things for you and spending your time doing those things.
3. God always send angels to help you.
as i entered the darkest period of my life, i wondered, quite honestly, who would be there for me. don't get me wrong, i know that i have lots of friends and people who care about me. but many of my friends are married or have moved away, so it's hard for them to be here for me consistently. amazingly, people came into my life. fellow canada vancouver missionaries reached out to me. coworkers became some of my best friends. old friends became pillars that i relied on. on my weak days i could turn to friends- old and new- for support and guidance. and then on the days that i felt completely alone, when i prayed, i felt the presence of angels, who were very near me and very aware of my loneliness, and who loved me oh so much. i promise that God will always send help and angels, whether we see them or not. he is aware of us and sends us the people we need to get through trials.
4. go outside.
i've always loved the outdoors, but this year i really took advantage of this beautiful place i live and basically got outside. if you're ever feeling like you need some perspective, i say, go to the mountains. stand on top of a mountain peak, or next to the ocean. feel the sea breeze on your face, or look at the beautiful changing colors of the leaves. if you need a quiet place to think about life, go the mountains. take a notebook (and, if you're me, a diet coke) and just think. this summer i hiked a lot around Provo and Salt Lake, i went on motorcyle rides up the canyon, i ran in the canyon. and then in the fall i went for drives up the Alpine Loop, we kept running down the mountain. and even when snow came we ran until it was too icy to keep running. if you want a spiritual experience, seeing the seasons change on the canyon trail will give that to you. so start a love affair will nature. it will change your life.
5. read more.
when i was little it was pretty rare that i would be found without a book in my hands. just call me Rory Gilmore. i would be reading all the time. my mom constantly warned me about reading late at night with little light in my room. she said i'd need glasses (ironically, i'm the only one in my family without corrective lenses.) anyways, once i started university, there was literally no time for leisure reading. but this last year i discovered that i again had the time. and if you read any of my book review posts, you will see that i got through some great books last year. i really believe that reading keeps your brain active, expands your horizons, and helps you learn how to think intelligently for yourself. and now that The Dollar Bookstore is a block away from my house, i foresee needing more bookshelves in my room.
6. giving up is not an option.
perhaps you are new to the blog, or perhaps you read this post earlier in 2015. but something that really clicked with me this year is that i was not going to give up. yes, there were days when i thought: "what's the point? blessings don't seem to be coming, so why even try?" but then there i was the next day- trying. reading my scriptures. searching for peace and answers. strengthening my faith. praying. being grateful. attending the temple. it was like i couldn't stop. and then i realized i couldn't stop because i wouldn't stop. it wasn't that i was continuing to go to church and be active in my faith because of what people would think or because i was on auto pilot. i kept going, "pressing forward" if you will, because i have a strong testimony that blessings do come, that God does listen to our prayers, that the Book of Mormon is a true testament of Christ, that the Atonement is a living principle, and that Christ did suffer, die and was resurrected for me. and i knew that if i stopped, if i let up or gave up, i would not be happy. sure, times are hard, and for a few moments, happiness seems so very fleeting. but true, complete, eternal, perfect happiness is always found in the Gospel.
7. it's ok to find a new dream.
you know in Tangled, right before the lanterns go floating into the air and magic happens and Rapunzel is wondering about her dream? she says, "I've been looking out of a window for eighteen years, dreaming about what i might feel like when those lights rise in the sky. What if it's not everything i dreamed it would be?" Flynn assures her that it will be. and then tells her that, if it is or if it isn't, "that's the good part. . . you get to go find a new dream." when i got home from my mission i had everything planned out. i would get married and go to nursing school and everything would be perfect. i found out though that what i thought was my dream, actually wasn't. and it was devastating. i didn't understand why something i had felt good about before my mission could actually be wrong. in retrospect i think that God was giving me the opportunity to see what i really truly wanted, and he was also giving me my agency. so i had to be brave, and not follow a dream that honestly many people wanted me to follow. taking that step was hard. and left me confused and lost for the most part of 2015. to say that there was a healing process is an understatement. but thanks to good friends, family, the Gospel and my Savior, i feel like i have been healed. and i've realized that it's ok to find a new dream. whatever that may be when doors close, it doesn't mean you are stuck, it simply means that another door, or window, is going to open. and you will find a new dream. something to be passionate about. someone to love. places to explore. so keep dreaming.
. . . halloween candy. i mean come on people! is it weird that i seriously miss my pillowcase full of candy? and i miss Canadian halloween candy.
. . . dressing up. for one day you can be whoever you want. you can be a witch or a superhero or an old man. you can literally be anything.
. . . dance parties. i am convinced that the funnest dance parties happen at halloween. i don't know why. maybe it's the costumes that make our wild side come out. (the only down side? being short sure makes it hard to breath in those mosh pits!)
. . . pumpkin everything. i love me some pumpkin spice cookies, frappucinos, cupcakes, bread, you get the idea. i like pumpkin stuff. thank goodness that isn't over when halloween ends.
. . . scary movies. i'm not one for super dark, satanic/demonic movies, but i love me a good thriller. this year i watched "The Others" and "The Fourth Kind" neither of which were very scary. . .
. . . haunted houses. my ward had a terrific halloween party in a barn and the activities committee made the loft into a haunted house. i'm not joking when i say that it was pretty legit. i don't scare easy, but that midget clown at the dead end was pretty creepy. it didn't help that my friends made me go first. thanks. (apparently i'm the bravest haha.)
. . . the haunted half marathon. this year i ran the haunted half marathon for the second time. it seems a little weird to normal people (aka not runners) to start your halloween off with running 13.1 miles, but it is oh so worth it! not only do you get to dress up but running always starts the day off right.
. . . halloween is the start of all the fall and winter holidays. it's like the gateway drug to christmas.
. . . dressing up. for one day you can be whoever you want. you can be a witch or a superhero or an old man. you can literally be anything.
. . . dance parties. i am convinced that the funnest dance parties happen at halloween. i don't know why. maybe it's the costumes that make our wild side come out. (the only down side? being short sure makes it hard to breath in those mosh pits!)
. . . pumpkin everything. i love me some pumpkin spice cookies, frappucinos, cupcakes, bread, you get the idea. i like pumpkin stuff. thank goodness that isn't over when halloween ends.
. . . scary movies. i'm not one for super dark, satanic/demonic movies, but i love me a good thriller. this year i watched "The Others" and "The Fourth Kind" neither of which were very scary. . .
. . . haunted houses. my ward had a terrific halloween party in a barn and the activities committee made the loft into a haunted house. i'm not joking when i say that it was pretty legit. i don't scare easy, but that midget clown at the dead end was pretty creepy. it didn't help that my friends made me go first. thanks. (apparently i'm the bravest haha.)
. . . the haunted half marathon. this year i ran the haunted half marathon for the second time. it seems a little weird to normal people (aka not runners) to start your halloween off with running 13.1 miles, but it is oh so worth it! not only do you get to dress up but running always starts the day off right.
. . . halloween is the start of all the fall and winter holidays. it's like the gateway drug to christmas.
after two years of not being able to really celebrate halloween, i'd say this year was a success.
why do you love halloween?
in the last month i've been thinking about endurance and giving up. i think that in each of our lives their comes a point when we have to decide what our commitment is to our Heavenly Father and his Gospel. we have to decide if we are really going to endure, no matter what comes our way, or if we will flake out at the first moment.
i attribute my "moment" of deciding to the eighteen months i spent as a full-time missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. i'm not saying that i wasn't a committed, devoted member of The Church before my mission, but i'm not sure if i could have endured as well the trials i've faced this year without the experiences that led me to realize that i was not giving up on the Gospel, or on God!
about a month ago i was having a particularly hard day. i sat on the phone at 11 pm, crying my heart out to my mom, with an almost empty box of tissues in front of me. "why," i sobbed, "when i have done everything God has asked of me, is this trial happening? this is so unfair! i just don't think i can keep going." i went to bed feeling pretty angry, because my life was not fair. but when i woke up the next morning i realized that giving up was not an option. in fact, i don't even really know what "giving up" would look like. it was that morning, through a mind groggy from a sleepless night, that i looked at the world through puffy eyes and realized that i was and always will be 100% committed to the Gospel. even if life seemed so unfair, hard and confusing, there was no going back.
when i was little my dad told me a story of a man who came to Joseph Smith and told him that he left the church, he would never persecute and speak out again the church, but he would go back to being neutral. Joseph told him, that once you have made a covenant with God, there can be no going back to neutral. because once you know- you know. once you have committed- you can't go back to being who you were before you were committed. either you keep going- you "press forward with a perfect brightness of hope"- or you turn against God and his Gospel.
on my mission i learned valuable lessons about endurance. i learned about working hard, all day, every day, no matter if it was blazing hot, pouring horizontal rain, or 30 degrees below zero (Celcius). it wasn't an option to stay in our apartment. i learned about exact obedient. before my mission i honestly questioned if exact obedience was even possible. but i quickly learned that it was. i learned about the Atonement and what it feels like to repent and be forgiven. i learned about the importance of following your priesthood leader. i learned about charity and helping those around you to change and endure. i read the stories of the Book of Mormon and the Bible that exhibit the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and it was like i was there. i could feel the joy of the Nephites when Christ appeared to them and blessed them. i felt the power and majesty of the restoration of the Priesthood. i learned about sacrificing for the Gospel. and i learned what it means to be fully consecrated to the Gospel. i saw examples of people who would leave their families to come teaching with us, or who would take in new investigators like they had always been best friends, or who would throw a birthday party for a girl in the branch because her mom was in rehab.
and i like to think that a little of what i learned, experienced, saw and felt became a part of who i am.
the moment that i decided to be a fully committed, 100% obedient missionary, i chose, also, to be that kind of disciple of Christ. not just to be outwardly committed for 18 months and then go back to my former life, but to change as much as God wanted me to. and then to continue to change each day and each week. because despite my mission being a pivotal time in which i chose to follow Christ forever, i know that if i do not do the small daily things [prayer, scripture study, service, fasting, church attendance, repentance, temple worship] i can quickly become lazy, apathetic and lax.
and i want to be committed. forever.
i attribute my "moment" of deciding to the eighteen months i spent as a full-time missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. i'm not saying that i wasn't a committed, devoted member of The Church before my mission, but i'm not sure if i could have endured as well the trials i've faced this year without the experiences that led me to realize that i was not giving up on the Gospel, or on God!
about a month ago i was having a particularly hard day. i sat on the phone at 11 pm, crying my heart out to my mom, with an almost empty box of tissues in front of me. "why," i sobbed, "when i have done everything God has asked of me, is this trial happening? this is so unfair! i just don't think i can keep going." i went to bed feeling pretty angry, because my life was not fair. but when i woke up the next morning i realized that giving up was not an option. in fact, i don't even really know what "giving up" would look like. it was that morning, through a mind groggy from a sleepless night, that i looked at the world through puffy eyes and realized that i was and always will be 100% committed to the Gospel. even if life seemed so unfair, hard and confusing, there was no going back.
when i was little my dad told me a story of a man who came to Joseph Smith and told him that he left the church, he would never persecute and speak out again the church, but he would go back to being neutral. Joseph told him, that once you have made a covenant with God, there can be no going back to neutral. because once you know- you know. once you have committed- you can't go back to being who you were before you were committed. either you keep going- you "press forward with a perfect brightness of hope"- or you turn against God and his Gospel.
on my mission i learned valuable lessons about endurance. i learned about working hard, all day, every day, no matter if it was blazing hot, pouring horizontal rain, or 30 degrees below zero (Celcius). it wasn't an option to stay in our apartment. i learned about exact obedient. before my mission i honestly questioned if exact obedience was even possible. but i quickly learned that it was. i learned about the Atonement and what it feels like to repent and be forgiven. i learned about the importance of following your priesthood leader. i learned about charity and helping those around you to change and endure. i read the stories of the Book of Mormon and the Bible that exhibit the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and it was like i was there. i could feel the joy of the Nephites when Christ appeared to them and blessed them. i felt the power and majesty of the restoration of the Priesthood. i learned about sacrificing for the Gospel. and i learned what it means to be fully consecrated to the Gospel. i saw examples of people who would leave their families to come teaching with us, or who would take in new investigators like they had always been best friends, or who would throw a birthday party for a girl in the branch because her mom was in rehab.
the moment that i decided to be a fully committed, 100% obedient missionary, i chose, also, to be that kind of disciple of Christ. not just to be outwardly committed for 18 months and then go back to my former life, but to change as much as God wanted me to. and then to continue to change each day and each week. because despite my mission being a pivotal time in which i chose to follow Christ forever, i know that if i do not do the small daily things [prayer, scripture study, service, fasting, church attendance, repentance, temple worship] i can quickly become lazy, apathetic and lax.
and i want to be committed. forever.
John 6:67-69
"Then said Jesus to the Twelve, Will ye also go away?
"Then Simon Peter answered him, Lord, to whom shall we go? Thou hast the words of eternal life.
"And we believe and are sure that thou art the Christ, the Son of the Living God."
i hope to always respond with the same conviction as Peter. and then show through my life, like he did, my commitment to Christ.
